‘I am sinner, I am saint’

I went to sleep with the sound of the rain and got up to the prelude of another. The occasional birdsongs were sunk in the patter of raindrops against my window. Life has changed so much that rather than making paper boats out of anything that was within my grasp as I used to, I sit crossed-leg on the bed and read Kamala Das’ poetry-to gain entry to a world that was soaked by many rains, seared by many droughts but survived every bit of it.

Even after writing so much of poetry I kept wondering how she could sketch her entire life in one poem, which begins with ‘I don’t know politics’ where she goes on to say, how she was being looked down upon by society for being born a woman. It is a call of a woman who was so brave to break the mould she was being brought up to fit in.

She narrates her triumphs, her strife and and finally she has a story to tell. The penultimate line of her poem , ‘.I have no joys that are not yours, no aches which are not yours,’ makes one feel that the story she tells is not only her story; but that of everyone of us.

Like Kamala Das, there may be many  who could swim against the tide and reach the destinations that were in their minds, rather than landing on the shores where the tide was to take them. it is this bravery, the stubbornness, and the belief that you are on the right route, that make one go against what society dictates and conventions demand.

After the initial stage of pain and agony, you gain the maturity to look at those who  pull the carpet beneath your feet , with an expression of amusement. You will let people envy you without enlarging your ego. You will not bloat as a frog in a summer pond, for your journey has been one of substance. Troubles will season your story. The harder the life you lived, more rhythmic your poem will be. The longer had been your toil, more moving your plot will be.

Kamala Das says ‘I speak three languages, write in two and dream in one.’ It is this language that keeps talking to your inner self, when all the outside talks try to discourage you. your dreams, your deepest desires and your ultimate goals are written in this language, which sometimes does not have words. Das in her poem  ‘An introduction,’ introduces not only herself but many others who fit her description.

When I read it over and over again, I felt that each line has a different voice, written with a different emotion, looks at a different dimension; a slice of human life that is neither black nor white- but a shade of grey. How true when she says, ‘I am sinner, I am saint.’